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My fingers were locked around the cold metal rail of the hospital bed, gripping it so hard my knuckles had turned pale. I remember staring at my hands as if they weren’t mine, disconnected from the rest of me. Somewhere behind my head, a monitor beeped steadily, completely unconcerned that my sense of safety had just shattered.
This was never how I imagined my first time would end.
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People like to paint first experiences as awkward but sweet—nervous laughter, a little embarrassment, maybe some clumsiness. No one tells you it can end with blood-soaked sheets, towels pressed between trembling hands, panicked phone calls, and bright hospital hallways that feel endless and unforgiving.
Earlier that evening, everything had felt normal. I trusted the person I was with. I trusted my body. I trusted that something so common, so talked about, couldn’t possibly go this wrong. There were no warning signs, no sense of danger—just nerves, curiosity, and the quiet assumption that my body would handle it.